


this mess is mine

by zebracakes



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Declarations Of Love, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Miscommunication, YA WEY IM GIVING AWAY TOO MUCH
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 02:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14345610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zebracakes/pseuds/zebracakes
Summary: Never been kissed, never been in a relationship, hell, the list could go on. But once you realize that you couldn't ignore your feelings towards Loki any longer, you do what you do best: you push him away.





	this mess is mine

**Author's Note:**

> gosh, this is it! from months of writer’s block and lack of motivation, it is finally here. this fic took a direction on its own and phew! thank you for your patience, anon!! your trust and faith in me is admirable!! officially my first Loki fic so please…be Gentle.

“So, what’s the deal?”

You didn’t expect Natasha’s voice inside of the employee’s break room. You nearly spill your drink on your hands from the sudden intrusion from the redheaded spy.

You clear your voice. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Oh, don’t play that game with me. I’m talking about you and Reindeer Games.” Natasha leans over the counter with a smirk plastered on her face. You blow over the hot coffee and take a sip.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nat.”

You move to get back to your office but you know better than to cross paths with a spy. She’s in front of you in a blink of an eye and you think you experience whiplash by that action alone.

Natasha tilts her head to the side. “What have I told you about lying? One, it’s bad, and two, I know all too well about lying.”

You take another sip of coffee to cover up the loud gulp you desperately want to take. Of course you know what she’s referring to. It’s always been a topic of discussion around the Avengers facility no matter how long he’s been here. Low murmurs seem to follow him much like a shadow but to Loki, he’s gotten used to the judgment. That is, until he met you, the Avengers’ assistant, and was sidelined by how you treated him like any member of the team. Ever since your introduction, you two became rather quick friends after that. You were curious about Loki and surprisingly he was curious about you, too. The pair of you were seen having lunch together on the patio, talking casually in the corridors, and whenever you had a break, you somehow found your way into the nestled corner of the facility that served as Loki’s getaway. You even started to teach both him and his brother how to text.

Though, the more you were around him and texted, the more you started to develop feelings for Loki. You even felt so inclined to start leaving hints behind like prolonged touches when you two would talk. Hugs that started minimal at first but started to become longer and with a lot more feeling. Quick glances at Loki whenever you two were in public among the rest of the Avengers became like some sort of fast-paced game of yours that kicked up your adrenaline. There had even been an occasion when Loki kissed your knuckles.

Perhaps that was because he is royalty, a god, and ultimately Thor did it to you just seconds before him.

But you were unsure if he had felt the same way at all so you wash those moments away from your mind.

“Mm, don’t you have a meeting with...what’s his face?” You squint as you try to recall the name, your mind mentally going through your agenda.

Nat puts her finger out to you. “No-”

“Tony!” You snap your fingers at her and take another sip. Before you can make your escape from more questioning from Nat, your phone buzzes on the counter. You give one look to Nat and give her a stern glare of “don’t you dare”. She lunges forward to grab your phone before your own lazy reflexes have the chance to react. She snickers as she reads who the sender is.

“Okay, props for you turning off ‘show preview’ on your phone but really? All heart emojis? Could you be any more obvious?” Nat grins when you hastily take the phone away from her grasp. You turn your phone over and discover that your ass had been handed to you. Maybe.

“And what makes you assume that it’s Loki?”

“I never mentioned his name.”

Fuck. You walked right into that one, huh?

Natasha, more than contempt with your answer, nudges your shoulder with hers and walks towards the open door until she stops at the door frame. “I’d think you two would be cute together.”

You’re left by yourself in the empty lounge room staring down at your phone.

“If only I could believe your words,” you tell yourself quietly. You take a seat at one of the plush couches, setting the mug on the side table, and swiping your thumb over the phone to open the message.

 _Thought of you_.

You smile down at yet another stupid image of a cat Loki stumbled upon.

 _If only you could believe in yourself_.

* * *

The more you thought about your situation, the more you started to hate yourself.

He would never date me because I’ve never been in a relationship, you say to yourself as you staple together a few papers. Maybe it had been silly to think you actually had a chance with a man like Loki. Hell, he’s a god and you’re just a mere mortal who has the lifespan of at best a hundred years. Even in your short existence, you had nothing to really prove.

You never had your first kiss, no relationship that lasted beyond the crush stage, and, no, you never been with anyone sexually. You prop your elbow on the desk and lean your head on your balled fist.

How do you love someone without really know what love is?

Just being around Loki made your heart quicken a little Your cheeks went warm whenever you saw him, making a domino affect towards your whole body. With every encounter you had with Loki, you couldn’t help the feeling. Slowly, then all at once, you fell in love with your best friend. The more you two talked, the more you understood each other. Loki had been nothing like the version that some of the Avengers (or even the whole world) have believed him to be. No, it had been far from the truth. You cared about him and you could feel him beginning to trust people once again. Loki could hide behind the facade of not caring but you could tell he treated you differently; nothing but the utmost respect.

You two were different, you thought.

You love Loki with your entire being but were you mistaking your feelings as that of just friends? Again, what do you even bring to the table? Maybe it’s best that you take it upon yourself and just distance yourself from him. Perhaps that’s what you need at this time.

Your phone vibrates on the desk and your eyes slowly glance over the lone notification.

It’s him.

You bite the bottom of your lip and shake your head.

 _It’s better for the two of us. Loki probably doesn’t feel the same way you do_.

You slide the desk drawer open and place the phone in there for safekeeping and away from your heart. It’s better for the two of you.

* * *

Loki hadn’t heard from you in about five hours. He found that quite unusual since you always seemed to be glued to your phone. Had it been something that he said? Nothing out of the ordinary about showing how he managed to use one of his illusions to scare his brother and drop his glass of water.

Then again, you are the assistant to everyone in the facility. Loki let the subject drop.

That is, until it kept happening over and over again over a span of a week.

Loki tried desperately to get a hold of you but to no avail. Maybe you were locked away in your office like you often did during a busy week trying to schedule accordingly. Walking with purpose, Loki strides down the hallway with purpose, looking in through each glass pane until he reaches your office. That is, until his breath hitches when he finds a new woman in your seat.

“Excuse me, but who are you?” Loki asks as he stands near the open door frame. The new woman immediately gathers the pile of papers on the desk and tries to neatly put them together.

“I, uh, I-I-I’m the temporary assistant. Did you not get the email?”

Who sends electronic mail? Loki rolls his eyes at his own idiocy.

Despite him not being fully accepted around the facility, he still went up to the rest of the Avengers asking about your whereabouts. Everyone seemed to be as clueless as him though he did find solace in asking Sam, one of your best friends.

“Yeah, man,” Sam drops the weight he had been holding and places it gently back on the ground, “She’s going to be away for a week in New Zealand. You know, come to think of it. Tony was surprised that she jumped at the opportunity to join him. No one else seemed enthused enough.”

“Thank you for the information, Sam,” Loki says as he can feel a chill run through his body. Always naturally a cold person, a chill of that magnitude only came from deep emotion. Just when he was about to make his exit, Sam hollers again.

“Hey, Lucky!”

It took everything in Loki’s power not to pull a magic move at the annoying nickname.

“Is there something going on between you know, you and her?” Sam walks over and crosses his arms across his chest. Loki balls his fists up then releases them slowly.

He had never admitted it before but Loki had fallen in love with you.

At first, he wasn’t too sure about such a feeling. Sure, there had been previous relationships but there was something different with you. Something beautiful; something Loki knew was special. Ever since your first meeting, he had been taken aback by the way you treated him as part of the team. You two seemed to gravitate towards one another, getting to know each other on a personal basis. Your personality fit well with his dry, sarcastic, and often times dramatic self. Loki shared intimate thoughts to you that even his own brother may not know about. He yearned for your touch, every single millisecond when you lingered onto him made him have goosebumps.

One time you got drunk off some strong liquor that you asked him in front of Natasha, Wanda, and Pepper if you could braid his hair. Reluctant at first, Loki ultimately gave in after your constant pleas. Your hands had been gentle on his hair despite being inebriated and he had to close his eyes and bite down on his tongue at how otherworldly the feeling had been. For so long he had pushed people away until you came in his life. To be close to you, to be near you, Loki fell all at once.

Loki shoves his hands into his pant pockets and tilts his head. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Sam shrugs. “Kinda, since she’s my best friend and I don’t want to see her get hurt.”

He did have to hand it to the man on how incredibly caring and protective he is of you. Loki walks over to the side of the man and gives him a pat on his back. Maybe he could trust him since you trust Sam.

Maybe.

“Because if you do, there’s still a lot my ass needs to know about you, Laufeyson.”

* * *

You thought New Zealand would have been the perfect getaway escape that you desperately needed. New Zealand was supposed to make you forget your personal problems and replace them with just one problem: Tony Stark.

But all that time you had been preoccupied with thoughts of Loki.

It had gotten so bad that you ultimately ghosted every Avenger, even your best friend Sam. Even while creating a lengthy itinerary for Tony, mingling with officials and people of high status, and managing to snag every loose end Tony may have left in his path, your head hit the pillow and your mind flooded with small memories with Loki.

You could feel your chest tighten when you stared at the last message he had sent you earlier that week during another restless night in your hotel room.

 _Hope New Zealand is treating you well_.

The jet ride back to the facility had been relatively quiet. You could tell Tony knew something had been up throughout the entire trip and you thank God he never did bring the situation up. This is your mess and you intend on dealing it by yourself. No reason to pull someone into your silly web you ultimately created.

You arrive late at night as the jet lands safely on the hangar near the building. You tell Tony you would be out there in just a second while you grab your belongings from the overhead cabinets. With one bag tucked under your arm and one slung over your shoulder, you drag your suitcase that the attendant hands you. You tip them despite their protest but Tony has taught you better.

Stepping as quietly as possible, you lug your belongings over to the kitchen counter and sprawl them out. You’re too tired to take them all so you settle with the suitcase to take with you. Hope no one minds your shit all over the counter as they eat breakfast in a few hours. You think you managed to get off scot-free until there’s movement in your peripheral. You look over your shoulder and startle as you see Loki sitting on one of the couches with one of his long legs crossed neatly over the other.

“Shit, I didn’t see you there,” you breathe and tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. You wave your hand and bid him good night, hopefully you could avoid this mess you made.

Until that trick doesn’t work on the man of mischief himself. Not for one second.

“Are you avoiding me?” Such a simple question that could easily be answered with a lie. You don’t turn to him immediately but you desperately want to see him. To feel his touch again. To be closer like before.

Your blood turns cold with nervousness as you haven’t prepared some sort of elaborate speech to tell Loki. You hear his footsteps across the marble floor as you continue to look away. Loki stops at a comfortable length between you and him.

But even you know better than to lie in front of him. Natasha taught you better.

“Yes.”

Even the truth made you wince.

“Why?”

There was no malice in his voice, only that of curiosity and sadness. Just tell him the truth, you tell yourself. Loki deserves to know that much.

However, truth be told, it is easier said than done.

You could feel prickles of tears gather around your eyes. You close them shut to prevent them from falling. “I have to talk to Stark.”

You begin to walk away when you hear Loki speak again.

“We used to tell each other everything. You know you can come to me for anything.”

You bite your bottom lip to catch yourself from spilling your heart. “This is different, Loki.”

“Then help me understand,” Loki tells you in a low voice. He’s scared to press the issue any further but he knows the feeling; being afraid to speak up on what is truly on your mind. He wants to understand you, to know how you truly feel.

Loki wants to let you know that he is there for you just like you were there for him, too.

Your arms wrap around your chest to provide much needed comfort. This is the moment. There he is, ready to listen, and there is nothing much to lose.

“I have feelings for you, Loki. For so long, I told myself I wasn’t enough.” You finally turn to face the man you have completely fallen for. Loki’s eyes are low, shoulders down with his hands by his side. You can see his chest rise slightly when your eyes meet his for the first time in a week.

“I was convinced that because I never been in a relationship, never kissed anybody, or even been on a romantic date that I was not worthy of love. So, when I...when I developed feelings for you, I got scared. I thought you wouldn’t feel the same way about me. That’s why I went to New Zealand; to tell myself that you could never love me like that. I tried to move past those feelings but often times I just laid there and remembered the moments we had together. Moments that I cherish with every fiber of my being. I felt a spark the moment you laid eyes on me and just, gosh, I’m pathetic, I know. You don’t deserve this mess, Loki.”

This time, the tears you tried desperately to keep at bay drop down your cheek. You sniffle and use the back of your hand to wipe them away but they just kept coming. You watch Loki approach you slowly and take a gentle hold on your wrist.

Loki says your name which makes you look up at him with tear streaked tears and possibly reddened eyes. In that moment, you realize that he, too, had tears rolling down his face. He looks devastatingly beautiful.

“From the moment we met, I was completely enamored by your grace, your brilliance, and how you demand respect from a room full of ‘superheroes’.” Loki takes each hand into his and brushes his thumbs across your knuckles.

“With every encounter we had, I became aware of how you made me feel. You made me feel like somebody, not a monster many paint me as. I realized I had fallen for a woman; you. But at the same time, I felt like I didn’t deserve this kindness, this warmth, because deep down, I still viewed myself as an unlovable being. Though, without knowing, you guided me into a different light. Do not think twice about yourself. I know you know you are more. You, my dear, are more than worthy of all the love found within all nine realms. Love is not a competition nor a list to check off. We come from different paths in life, and I’m glad to have crossed paths with you.”

By this time, you couldn’t help but have a smile on your face. To hear the words come from Loki gave you the validation you desperately yearned for. Loki cups your cheek and strokes your cheek with his thumb.

“I’m still a mess,” you whisper under your breath.

“Then we both are. This mess is ours,” Loki replies with a small grin along his lips.

“I still don’t know how to kiss.”

“What is that one Midgardian phrase? ‘Practice makes perfect’?”

You both laugh at his usage of such a common phrase. You shake your head at how you ended up here, to finally be this close to the man you’ve fallen in love with.

Loki adjusts his head and presses his lips upon yours. You place your hand on his chest to steady yourself. You are surprised at how careful and soft Loki is with kissing you. You two close your eyes to savor the moment that you two had longed for. To be close to one another, to feel each other’s touch, to know that you and him are not going anywhere.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! thank you for your time and attention. please don't forget to leave comments and kudos down below!!


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